As many of us, I have been in this spiritual/personal growth business for some time now, 20 and so years. And, I gotta say, it seems like many of us have truly grown so much wiser, spiritually, over the years . I see enormous inner change and many various paths contributing to it. Moreover, it seems that we have much grown out of the old, linear ways of looking at divine life (and our selves) and into something much vaster, much more allowing, and much more inclusive.

I was one of those who thought that growing as a spiritual being would include seeing more light, more of floating above things (both literally and figuratively), and somehow less contact with the heavier, earthly, physical aspects of life. I was one of those who secretly saw my future life as an almost non-visible, fairy-like being of all light (and no density) as I would expand into more and more enlightened awareness. Yes, was I in for a surprise? It would take me quite some time to get out of this fairy-light illusion of spiritual growth because my mind really loved it. My mind was really attached to it for all that it meant.

In retrospect, I would even say there was an unwillingness on the part of mind to open to the fullness of life and growth, and the fullness of what I can be as a being. An unwillingness of becoming more whole because it made mind so much less powerful, so much less in control, and so much more vulnerable.

I can't say anymore that growing in inner light, or inner space, is a journey of all la di daa, rainbowy colors,  softly spoken whispers, and friggin' wings of angels ;) No! It's also really about getting into all of the darkest, deepest, and most fearsome places within. And live thru them, evolve with them, and beyond them. Growing is really not about getting rid of, shy away from, or float above. It's about being with all that is here. Holding all of it. Yet, maybe not all of it at the same time. Because I also believe it means the right to say: Hey, this sucks and I don’t have the strength to hold it anymore. Let it be here even if I can’t hold it or even be responsible for it.

Please, do not get me wrong. By holding it all I don’t mean love it all. I simply mean live it as it is. When there’s hatred, there’s hatred. Don't make it something else. When there’s joy, there’s joy. Don’t make it something else. Life IS. And this is where we grow. Right here, through all of that which is present in us.

This happened in my early days of interest in spirituality. There was a course somewhere on meditation. Participants were told about the advantages of a quiet mind and the other mechanics believed to be at work during the practice of meditation.

There was enthusiasm on the part of the audience. They came from various walks of life. There were people with a strong academic background, intellectuals down to their very core. There were also those who had blue-color jobs and average intellects. The intellectuals, let’s call them that for the purposes of this piece, seemed to have the upper hand in gaining a handle on things. When presented with a concept about mediation, they seemed to catch on faster than the rest and they ran with it. Their ‘less sharp’ counterparts remained quiet, maybe even felt at a disadvantage at times amid scientific jargon and the sort.

Then, it was time to learn to meditate. It was a simple, mantra based meditation that required the practitioner to sit quietly and repeat the mantra they were given; and, that was it. An unexpected thing happened. Those who weren’t necessarily brighter then the next guy had deep, profound experiences, while those with sharp intellects were deeply disappointed.

So what happened? My guess was that the intellect could only get you so far. It’s like the conquistadors expecting to take their ships all the way to the heart of the Aztec Empire: wasn’t going to happen. Weighing the benefits of mediation may have been instrumental in these people’s decision to learn the technique, but the same prevented them from having the actual experience. They wouldn’t stop analyzing, and trying negated the effort. Those who just went with it ended up with great experiences.

This is, by the way, why I want to keep pure intellectual exercises to the minimum as the editor-in-chief on this site. I find them very limiting. This may also be the reason why things of the spirit are often dismissed with a wave of the hand. Those, whose job it would be to investigate things that spiritually inclined people live as part of their every day cannot, because they lack the capacity to experience them, therefore, to them they cannot possibly exist.

If you’ve been reading my articles on this site, you know that I have a great deal of respect and affection for the teachings of Stalking Wolf who was an Apache elder and his pupil Tom Brown, Jr. Stalking Wolf spent about 10 years teaching Tom about wilderness survival, primitive arts and his way of relating to nature and spirit. The location may surprise you: Southern New Jersey. (You can read more about them in the glossary section.)

Tom founded a school to pass along these teachings (TrackerSchool.com) and ended up writing a bunch of books. I’ve read, I think, all of them, so I’m not sure in which one the following scene takes place: it’s the 1960s, on the edge of the then-still-huge-and-largely-untouched Pine Barrens of New Jersey. It’s the middle of summer and a hot day at that. Grandfather, as Tom likes to call him, was quite something to behold to begin with as he always wore clothes that he made himself from animal hide and such. Now there he was sitting out in the open with the Sun beating down on him relentlessly and him seemingly being just fine with it. One of the locals walked up to him and asked : “Aren’t you hot?” His reply was: "I am, but I don’t mind, because it’s real." I am paraphrasing here, because I can’t remember the exact words, but you get the idea.

Tom, in the book, gives an explanation as to the meaning of his answer to the man’s question. Still, I felt that I wasn’t capturing the essence and significance of his words. It helped that I read all of Tom’s books and gained an overall idea about the old man’s way of thinking, but I knew that it went over my head.

Many years have gone by and a lot has happened to me in that time. Some might say that I have become older and wiser. Definitely older. Nonetheless, I gained a deeper understanding  of this short and seemingly insignificant set of words "because it’s real." It’s about a passion or even lust for life. It is about the art of living in the moment, and because every moment only last about a second, appreciating every second of life. It is embracing life even if the hot summer sun is beating down on you. It is having the wisdom of a cancer survivor that life is precious without having to experience a brush with death.

But, I don’t think that this phrase has thought me everything it has to teach, yet. It seems to me that as I get older the harder it becomes to live in the moment. It seems to come more easily and naturally to children. I’ve gotten into the habit of taking clues from them and let them teach me about passion for life.

At the end of 2009, my dad passed away after a brief battle with cancer. A month or so later, an ultrasound revealed a malignant tumor in my bladder. The word got around to a former co-worker of mine, a born-again Christian, with whom I would often have debates about spiritual matters. Here you can read his email and my reply to him.

Mark’s email:

Kory

[…]

I know you might be mad at God right now, asking why these things happen, which is only human. I would ask that you would somehow allow God to give you peace (I’m praying for you) not turn your back or let a tormenting spirit come upon you, rather relay on His strength to care you through this storm in your life.

The time I spend with you at [the company] were a kick in the pants. I saw a person that had a passion for others, a hair trigger mood, but mostly a GOOD MAN seeking to find answers.

I don’t know why God brings storm in our life? Some say it’s to strength our faith; I know that there are times I don’t what to be in a body building class. I can’t image what you’re thoughts are or what you are going through. I just know that one man DIED for you and loves you very much. The lashes He took on his back was for the healing He will give you when we sincerely call on his name (Isaiah 53:4-5)

Look I’m not sending you this letter to say you shouldn’t be mad at God, I’m sending you this letter out of LOVE. God is Love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) and with all my being I believe that. I believe that God doesn’t send storms our way to teach us a lesson. I believe it is much more than that. Our misbehavior in the garden is what started this epidemic (dating back to the being of time) and unfortunately we are still paying for those choices today.

We can go through life looking to accomplish things on our own looking at our own merit, or we can believe in something that is real we can ask God to prove Himself shows us He’s love, gives us peace, help us through the storms and I believe God sees our DEEP HURTING and meets our needs in the right time and the right place. I don’t know what you going through Kory I just know God has a plan for you brother (Jeremiah 29:11) I’ll do the only thing I can PRAY FOR YOU.  I’ll be asking for God to heal you, show you His peace and love, and supernaturally break throughs.

May God Bless you Kory.

Please write back!

Your Friend Mark D.

The following is my reply:

Hey Mark,

[…]

Yep, the past six months have been a trying time for me. My dad's passing and the approximate 100 days before that were intense enough. A month or so later, they found the tumor that turned out to be cancerous. One or the other, by themselves, could be overwhelming to anyone, now imagine the combination of the two in close succession. So, I am not saying that I haven't cursed the Lord, or the world that he made me part of. My prayers have become shallow repetitions of mere words void of meaning and passion. I have had some dark moments when this reaction seemed appropriate.

At the same time, I know - as I have always known - that the 'God, why is this happening to me?' attitude is a very much human- and self-centered view of the universe. I'm sure the chicken I had last week would have had the same thoughts, had it the ability to form such complex thoughts. While I am trying to be funny here, the simple truth remains: last week it was the chicken's turn, this week, it may be mine. If it's true that God's creation is infinite, then underneath the divine microscope the 'winged vegetable' and a human being may appear to be about the same size. Jesus may love me, but everyone has to go at some point and there are various ways to kick the bucket. Divine business and stuff happening may or may not overlap. That just seems the way things are set up, and whether you are a believer or an atheist the best thing you can do is accept this. Period.

Some might think that this is a pessimistic view of things. I must respectfully disagree. In my opinion, seeing creation the way it is and loving it for what it is is a much better approach to life than feeding the weak human mind fairy tales, effectively drugging it into a false sense of security about its existence.

Thanks, again, for your concern.

Take care,

Kory